Naming things is hard.
For example, the title of this post took me like 78 hours to come up with. Most of my workweek went into it. Tossing and turning at night. Lots of scribbling on whiteboards. Crumpled pieces of paper littered about my life. Then I finally realized that “Name” and “Game” rhyme, then boom, it came to me: The Name Game.
Perfect! Genius! Fuck yeah!
As a massively successful screenwriter who has only experienced the ups of the industry and zero downs, I have to name things all the time. I have to give a script a title that instantly blows readers’ minds and gets them so fucking pumped for the script that they can’t put it down. Then, within the script, there are at least a dozen characters who I have to anoint with names. It gets a little bit exhausting. It’s probably a little how God feels.
“Did you just compare yourself to God?” you ask. Yep, I sure did. God and I have equally hard jobs and I don’t think that’s really up for debate.
So with all the naming I’ve already done, picking out the perfect name for our little boy has been an especially arduous task. We actually had a bunch of great names picked out for a girl. That was the only part of learning we were having a boy that I didn’t like. We had to sort of go back to the drawing board name-wise.
I suggested to Meredith that we just go ahead with one of the girl names. “Maybe we still call him Ellie?”
“That might be one of your worst ideas of all time,” Meredith probably wanted to say, but instead just rolled her eyes and changed the subject—a true master at dealing with my dumbass and all the dumbass things I say and do.
But selecting the right name is important. And boy, are other people curious about it.
When you start telling people that you’re having a baby, the first thing they usually ask is, “When’s it due?” The second is usually, “Boy or Girl? Or you don’t know?” Then the third is, “Are you really fit to be a parent? I mean, you’re pretty selfish, a real man-child who still does shit like watch basketball card pack opening videos on YouTube before going to sleep. I mean, maybe you should reconsider this whole fatherhood thing you fat piece of shit.”
But then the fourth is usually, “Do you have a name picked out?”
It’s a good question. Naming things is important in our society. Imagine if we didn’t have street names, for example. We’d be driving around looking for “The road just past the rock,” or if we didn’t have names for anything at all we’d be looking for, “The thing just past the thing.” It’d be a fucking mess. Things have to have names. Controversial opinion, I know.
I remember I’d ask the same “Do you have a name picked out?” question when the shoe was on the other foot and friends were having babies. I’d often joked that since I was a bully growing up that if they paid me one hundred bucks, I could “Bully Test” their name ideas, run them through the wringer of potential mean nicknames other asshole kids could call them at recess. [A couple of free pointers. Names that rhyme with a swear word or private part are instantly no-gos. Tucker, Dolorous, Buck, Mitch, Mitt, or Basshole are out. Amanda easily turns into Aman-duh. Jimmy into Rimmy Job. Martha into Barf-tha. And Patrick obviously becomes Patty McDicklessDoodle, etc.]
But now as expecting parents, when we’re asked the “Do you have a name picked out?” question, Meredith and I decided to deflect and not share our ideas, treating it as some sort of private, personal matter, like one might their social security number. So instead of answering, we usually just say something like, “We have a few we like, but we’re still deciding,” because that’s slightly nicer than saying, “Hey, why don’t you mind your own business and focus on naming shit in your own life?”
The reason why we always answer with such brashness—more or less blowing the question off—is because it seems like everyone has an opinion about any name you suggest. Everyone knows a Brandon who was a shithead in junior high school, or worked with a dick named Tyler, or roomed with a Graham in college who grew weed in your closet even though you and your other roommates asked him not to because it was 2003 and that shit was still illegal, and then when he did go ahead and grow it, he didn’t even bother to share. Why’d you do us like that Graham?
I remember a good pal telling me that he and his wife really loved the name Emerson for their daughter, and would call her “Emmy” or “Emma” for short. Adorable. Great name. But he was at a bar with some pals and told his “Emerson” name idea to a group of people, then one guy yelled, “Big tits Emerson! Big tits Emerson!” Apparently, this guy knew a girl with the name Emerson who had big breasts, hence the creative and crass nickname. My pal and his wife tossed the name Emerson out of consideration after that.
So by not telling people our name ideas, we’re basically trying to avoid a “Big Tits Emerson” sort of situation.
I mean, sometimes people will deliberately fuck with you. My good pal Bobby has a goof where, no matter the name an expecting parent suggests, he just says, “Like the serial killer?”
Funny shit, but we want to avoid stuff like that, too.
When you don’t give out your name ideas, some people will go ahead and provide a couple of ideas for you, be like, “I always liked the name Liam,” to which I usually reply, “Cool, yeah, we’ll go with that then, as what we’re calling our child for the rest of his life is really up to you.”
I actually had that name suggestion thing backfire on me. When my little sister was having her first child I said, “I love the name Luke. Gonna name my first kid that probably.” And you wouldn’t believe what she named her first kid. She probably figured my loser ass would never get married, never actually have kids.
Still pissed about that though. Damn you Luke!
All goofballing aside, Meredith and I are hard at work narrowing down our list of names, searching the Internet and name blogs for the perfect moniker that rolls off the tongue and makes our little guy’s life easier. We are limited though. Because I have a pretty boring, non-exotic last name—Marshall—we can’t go with something awesome like Leonardo or Xander or Joaquin. We’ve got to stick to the stale David, Michael, James category.
And boy names are much harder than girl names because boys are bigger assholes than girls. You have a lot of names you have to weed through to dodge the bullies. Each boy name idea requires that I spend time in my Bully Lair with my Biff from Back to the Future posters all over the walls and How-To books filled with the best wedgie practices to ascertain every twist and turn some dickhole kid could come up with.
It’s a real pain in the ass. You can see why people are like, “Fuck it, I’ll just give him my name and stick a Jr. on the end.”
But I always feel sort of rude not answering the “Do you have a name picked out?” question, so I usually just turn it into a joke—sort of like I have with everything else in my life—and toss people a goof-name to tide them over.
So here’s a quick list of joke names for our little, adorable baby boy:
--Fire, as in Fire Marshall. Just can never yell his name in a crowded movie theater.
--Donyell, as in Donyell Marshall, the former Jazzman, and a name that sounds quite similar to Daniel Marshall
--Marshall, with the middle name also being Marshall. Then the full name could be “Marshall Marshall Marshall,” like its “Marsha Marsha Marsha” from The Brady Bunch. Get it?
--Tiger Woods, but when people ask, “Like the golfer?” say “What golfer?”
--Mathers, so he’d be called Mathers Marshall, confusing most people who aren’t dyslexic and who don’t know that Marshall Mathers is Eminem’s real name.
But ultimately we’ll probably just go with something that isn’t a joke, something like Danny Jr., or actually Fire is a pretty great name!
Anyway, this is all to say please post your name ideas below!!!!
marshall marshall marshall lol
Dillon. Then when he's listed with last name first, he'll be Marshall Dillon (from TV series Gunsmoke for you youngsters).